Badger's Den

Overwhelmed and Under Motivated
3:01 p.m. - 2008-08-13

Feeling depressed and overwhelmed, kind of rudderless right now; unmotivated. Listeless.

Long list there.

And a busy week in process.

Tuesday - dinner with the folks
Wednesday - going to the fair with Andy
Thursday - going to a program on Islam with JB
Friday - a geocaching event
Saturday - Visiting Rick & Melodee with Nancy
Sunday - brunch with the dining tour group
Monday - book club

Plus looking forward, the weekend after this I'm going to visit Eugene.

And on Labor Day I fly to Anchorage Alaska for a weeks' vacation. I'm going by myself. When I made plans, Eugene didn't have the time. Now with him laid off, he has the time but not the money.

I've got a B&B lined up in the city and plan day trips to Seward, Denali, Whittier and Valdez in addition to just exploring and experiencing.

I'm bored with work and not getting much accomplished. Hopefully things will improve soon. At least the weather is great and my sinuses aren't bothering me.

Where is that one pill that makes everything all great?

Tired
9:30 a.m. - 2008-08-08

Well the weather has cooled off but my sinuses are still causing me problems. Wednesday, my eyes were so irritated I could barely keep them open. Yesterday I worked from home which was wise. Last night I was doing fine until avbout 1am when my right eye woke me up. I was up for 2 hours before the Allegra, Nasonex, Nyquill, Benadrill, Ibuprophen and a shot of whiskey finally stopped the pain.

Of course today I'm in a fog. I just want to go home and go back to bed.

Eugene & an Interesting Morning
3:22 p.m. - 2008-08-05

Had a good weekend with Eugene. He arrived Thursday and left Monday. I think one problem though is we try to do too much instead of taking it easy and relaxing more. We did do some of that, but it seems we are often too tired for some of the 'special' stuff (wink).

We did a bunch of Geocaching - found 15. We went to an outdoor concert with Tim & JB. We went to see The Mummy - Tomb... and enjoyed it. Luke Ford was pretty hot looking.

At home we watched Meet the Spartans - not great. We also spent time watching the X-games which was fun. Those folks are just plain crazy.

Yesterday the weather turned oppressively hot & humid and my sinuses protested intensely. This time instead of making my teeth hurt, they made my left eye feel like someone was stabbing me with an ice pick. I left work and spent 3 hours in the dark waiting for the handful of meds to finally kick in.

Today the pressure is just making my vision blurry. Oh boy!

A major storm blew through this morning. The wind was so intense it woke me up. Gusts over 70 mph. I got up at 5 and noticed some commotion outside. I bravely stepped out and saw that one of the big oak trees 3 doors down had fallen taking out a power pole and lines and blocking all 5 lanes of the street.

Then my power went out. So might as well go to work where it's cool. It was amazing though, watching the sheep who didn't know what to do when they found a tree in their route. One guy just drove around the firetrucks and thru someone's yard. He then kept driving on the wrong side of the highway which made me think he had just closed the bar.

One woman followed a police car around the barricades and up to the tree before it dawned on her she couldn't get through that way. Sometimes 3-4 cars would sit there until one had the idea to turn around then the rest of the lemmings would follow.

Well hopefully I'll have power when I get home in a few minutes.

July in Summary
1:43 p.m. - 2008-07-29

I'm covering for 2 people on vacation both last week and this week. It's keeping me pretty stressed and busy. I can't believe I haven't written for almost the whole month (actually I can). I'm also trying to spend less time on the computer. My laptop is acting up and locks up at random times. I'll try to summarize the non-work stuff.

7/2 - Carolyn & Tim and I got together at her house, ate grilled chicken fingers and watched "Chicago". I'm definitely likeing this movie/play more than I first did.

7/3 - 7/6 - Met Eugene in Madison; stayed with our friends Wade & Brian. I really like Wade. Brian is nice but tends to focus on himself. Wade also has a thing for me I think ;) We watched the fireworks from some lesbians front yard, did some biking and geocaching and met up with Mike for breakfast on Saturday.

7/10 - Andy's 25th birthday. Went with Nancy to Capital City to meet Andy's new girlfriend Erica (wow, she's grogeous!). Took them to steak dinner (she eats!!), found a geocache and taught her hoe to play euchre.

7/12 - Lunch with Andy's family at another steak place to celebrate Andy's birthday. Dinner at a great Italian place with one of my dining groups. JB went with me. Loved the Gorgonzola & angel hair pasta. JB had the group over to have deserts on his deck.

7/13 - Geocaching, found one hidden inside a fake skull. It looked real and freaked me out at first.

7/14 - Book Club at Hector's. (Bob's in Italy) Read David Sedaris' new book When You Are Engulfed in Flames.

7/17 - Chinese dinner with Nancy

7/19 - Travelling birthday party for Bob & Jeff. Three houses and two bars.

7/20 - Capital City roadtrip with Tim & Carolyn to see a very cool Frank Lloyd Wright house and the Lincoln Museum. Very awesome. Dinner for Andy's birthday at my mom's. Met mandy's new girlfriend Nikki.

7/23 - Another venture to a cook your own steak place with the guys in the gayborhood.

7/24 - Geocaching, testy raccoons roaming the area, one took exception to the other following him through the yards and under parked cars.

7/25 - Sushi with Andy then met his friend BK for drinks on the riverfront.

7/26 - JB and I joined Nancy's church class for play at a barn dinner theater. It was a hilarious play called "It Runs in the Family".

7/27 - Morning savoring the mild temps on my patio reading "The Third Jesus" by Deepak Chopra. Then 6 hours of geocaching. I found 5 of 11.

7/28 - Mom & Dad's for spaghetti dinner. IMing Eugene and (gasp) webcam whoopie ;)

Tonight - Taco Tuesday at a local bar with the dining tour.

Thursday - Eugene is coming for the weekend!

Pride
2:33 p.m. - 2008-07-02

This month in honor of Pride Month, my company for the first time flew a pride flag in front of one of its buildings.

Of course it created a bit of a stir. For me though, it sent a much needed message that my company is proud to have me working for them just as I am.

Yet in all the vitriol that was unleashed, I noticed one thing missing. This was not about a flag or a social postion. This was about the people. It was about the hundreds if not thousands of LGBT employees.

It was akin to Patrick Swayze saying "nobody puts Baby in the corner."

Coming Out Part 137
2:09 p.m. - 2008-07-02

I couldn't sleep this morning. Something my manager said at lunch today got my mind whirling.

In my previous position where I travelled a lot with co-workers, I was pretty much out. It's hard to spend a week on the road with someone and be unable to talk about what's important to you. The team was very accepting, but I think my boss had issues. In my current position, I have not been explicitly out, though a few people know. But I also don't hide the time I spend with Eugene.

Yesterday at lunch, my manager was discussing the company's several afinity groups including the one for GLBT people. He was moaning about how straight white males are about the only ones without an afinity group. I don't have one, he said then pointed at me and said you don't either.

I was tempted to correct him but there were 5 people at the table so courage escaped me. Another illustration of how coming out is not a one time event but something we face every day of our lives.

When he felt excluded, I did tell him he was invited to attend any group he wants to as a supporter. He mentioned going to the LGBT group - the week he retires.

I also took the opportunity to explain more about the purpose of these groups, that they weren't social clubs. They gave minority employees the opportunity to network and find support. The provide the company with the information it needs to hire and retain minority employees and their allies.

He later dismissed an upcoming diversity seminar he is required to attend as a tedious waste of time.

Yesterday afternoon though, I debated whether to come out to my manager. And about 4am this morning, my mind was working through the process. First I need opportunity which hasn't come about today. I prayed for God to give me time with this very busy man.

Some things I would like to tell him...

He grew up and lives in a society designed perfectly for the white, straight male, especially the Type A personality he is. He never had to look at someone he found attractive and wonder if they were a woman, and 9 times out of 10 realize they weren't.

I also want him to understand that you can't tell by looking at people. You can't even tell with your closest relations - parent, sibling, child or even spouse.

So I hope it will improve his sensitivity, but more importantly I hope to improve my self-esteem and pride in what I have become.

Wednesday
1:31 p.m. - 2008-07-02

Heading to Madison tomorrow to spend the weekend with Eugene. Fortunately, our friends are letting us stay with them.

Went to Krispy Kreme this morning to get birthday donuts to take to work. They were out of donuts. Eight o'clock in the morning and their out of donuts. But I can wait 15 minutes if I want. Sigh. Maybe it's a sign that I should bring in birthday carrots ;)

Very hectic & stressful at work the past two weeks. People are needing my help on a lot of things. I'm trying to pace myself. A short night might also be contributing something as well. I'll put my thoughts in a separate entry.

Went to my folks last night and out with Tim and Carolyn tonight. I need a nap though.

Some Weekend Pix
1:10 p.m. - 2008-06-26

Some pix from our weekend...

Saturday we went to one of the farmers markets...

While we're out geocaching we come across a decent beach along the river.

Here Eugene is contemplating making this a nude beach...

Then he gets campy. Nope, Eugene, you don't look gay at all.

And finally all tuckered out...

It looks like he belongs here.

Long Weekend with Eugene
9:09 a.m. - 2008-06-25

Eugene was here and it was a perfect weekend. It's more and more like he lives here with extended absences. We went to my Mom's Thursday night where Mandy cooked my mom a birthday dinner. We played Euchre where Eugene and I lost 5 games in a row.

Friday we went out for breakfast, hit Walmart because someone forgot to pack underwear ;D and stopped at the Chinese grocery for hot sauce.

Then we went biking. I dropped him off several miles from the trail head so he could powerbike. We met at the trail head where he about passed out. recovered, we then rode together about 8 miles.

In the evening we grilled chops and went geocaching. JB came over for a bit then we stayed up late watching "Another Gay Movie" which was funny.

Saturday we started with the farmers markets, went geocaching again and grilled steaks. Tim came over and watched "Jumper" with us. It was a good movie mainly from it's unique premise. Of course the cute guys didn't hurt at all ;)

Of course by this time Eugene was going into bar withdrawal, so we went to a cool Irish bar I had never been to. Drinks were reasonable and there was a good crowd there. We really enjoyed it.

Sunday we went to mass (j/k) - not. Went to Perkins where we ran into some of the gayborhood. We spent the day caching discoving a neat hiking area that lead to a beach on the lake that we decided might make a good nude beach if people were properly prepared.

Sunday evening we were back at Mom's for my high carb, high fat birthday dinner of frid chicken, mashed potatoes, fried okra adn apple pie. We tried to make it an early night.

Monday it was back to work for me and home for Eugene. Next visit will be 4th of July weekend in Wisconsin. Can't wait!

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