Badger's Den

Over There
11:06 a.m. - 2007-09-14

"We have to fight terrorists in Iraq so that they don't come here."

I've heard this comment made many times recently, mostly from pro-war hawks, of course. But at an AIDS fundraising dinner someone made that statement. I countered that terrorists can come from places other than Iraq and are most likely already in the country, just as they were in the UK.

There are just so many things wrong with this type of thinking beginning with how a country fights terrorists. I don't believe that huge armies invading countries is a way to stop terrorists. It may be necessary for other problems, but not this one. I believe our best weapons against terrorists are maintaining good relationships with other countries with strong emphasis on intelligence and infiltration. The State Department and the CIA are the "forces" on the front lines fighting terrorists. The fact that we haven't had an attack on American soil in 6 years seems more a testimory to these people than to the military machine.

But also by their odd logic, we should be invading countries where al-Qaida and other terrorist organizations are strong such as Indonesia, Syria, Lebanon, Afghanistan and many more. Or maybe these folks really believe that all terrorists come from Iraq.

Are Indonesian al-Qaida fighters heading to Iraq to engage us?

Of course the other assumption from their argument is that the US is unable to protect it's borders. Now while there is some truth to this, I don't see how spending so many people and so much money in Iraq enables us to leave the front door wide open. I'd much rather spend money and resources in strengthening our "homeland security" though I use this term generically.

It's interesting how quickly 30,000 troops coming home evaporated into a tiny fraction of that, and I'm not conviced what Bush proposes is a net and long term reduction. And since when is 9 months "short term" as Gen. Petraeus stated?

I really do wish I knew what Bush and his advisors are thinking. Do they really think that any minute now Iraq's government will get it's act together, that the Iraqi tribes will suddenly begin working together, that peace is just around the corner? Are we there to protect Iraqis or American contractors making money there? Are we there to take de facto ownership of Iraq's oil? Do they really believe all the terrorists are there? Do they think our presence stabilizes the Middle East from the influences of Iran? Do they think about the lives their policies affect? Do their hearts break when they hear about sons and daughters, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers whose lives are horribly changed, sometimes ended by their policy? So they really believe what they say or are there ulterior motives?

I just wish I knew the real reasons.

I respect people I disagree with who treat me with respect. Don't hold me in contempt though. That's when I get my dander up.

I myself do feel safe these days, with the knowledge that we are never 100% safe. I believe that because I think the people who are at the bottom of the power chain are doing everything they can, from police and soldiers to CIA agents and ATF to imigration to airline and dock workers to FBI agents and many more everyday Joes including your truly are trying their damnedest to be vigilant and to improve the growth of compassion, diversity and acceptance.

While I firmly believe that being in Iraq isn't really making us if anybody safer, I will also confess that I don't know the best course of action. I think Pres. Bush has proven that the course he has been on since the beginning isn't the answer. Right now I tend to think doing anything else is worth the try.

If I Had a Hammer
3:02 p.m. - 2007-09-13

If all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

This is one of my favorite quotes and humorously describes the antics of some people. At book club, two of the club members are psychoanalysts and one was talking about people trying to drive a nail with a screwdirver. She often used this to help her patients understand that they need different tools to accomplish their objectives.

I pointed out that they also might just need a new target, one that matches the tool they do have.

She was delighted with this perspective and wanted to use it. I felt kinda proud to have contributed to the body of knowledge for psychotherapy.

Festival Time
10:07 a.m. - 2007-09-09

The world is dominated by cultural institutions that flaunt the "married with children" convention. Gay people and single people continue to be marginalized by these institutions and our attempt to make a place for ourselves at the table are responded to with at best uncomfortable admission or alarmed cries of "preserve family values!!!"

Essentially what this means is to send a clear signal to me that I am not welcome and should just stay out. Two things I have considered doing today are integral parts of those institutions.

The first is church. I had considered joining JB for a long absent trip to church this morning. But church has long been a part of my trauma and continues to be an institution where at best I feel tolerated but not included. JB & I talked this morning and we had both decided not to go prior to the phone call. Jim's thinking is that if there is nothing there for him, why go.

When I listen to God's guidance, I'm hearing a walk in the woods will be better communion with him than and hour of ceremony.

The second thing I considered doing today was a fall festival. I used to enjoy those. But in the last few years I noticed two things. First everyone there is with spouses or women with their friends. Single people aren't there. Gay people defintely are un-represented. When I go, I experience this emptiness in my stomach that I have no one with me to share this experience and that if I did, we would still feel uncomfortable immersed in all this cozy traditional environment.

I contrast that with Market Days in Chicago. It's billed as the largest street festival in the city. I went there this year with Ken. If you overlook the few outrageous attention seekers, at first glance the crowd looks the same as these other festivals.

But I feel at home because it is a combination of gays and straights. It's a place where you can feel welcome.

Another place I feel welcome and included is at the farmer's markte in Madison. Eugene and I will try to go there on Saturday mornings. It is a place very comfortable for gays and we see other same-sex couples.

I've been told that it's just me making a big deal over nothing. Well, I've given things plenty of chances and it hasn't changed. That emptiness in the pit of my stomach keeps coming back. When I'm at these fall festivals, I'm a fish out of water. While maybe there's not overt rejection of me, I feel it just the same.

I can't help notice that I'm in an environment designed for straight people. It's an environment that despite my trying, I will likely never fit into. It's something that unless you have experienced it, you won't even notice it.

When you find yourself in an environment geared around you, you feel the welcome. At Convergence last weekend, I definitely felt a sense of belonging, a place where I could relax and not worry about offending the dominant culture.

And it's tiring to keep inserting myself into a world that would prefer me to be invisible. It's frustrating to try to live up to other people's standards that have little room for me. Can I help it if I prefer warm embraces over cold shoulders?

Something Fishy
3:37 p.m. - 2007-09-07

I talked Tim into going to a sushi place I've been wanting to try. My only disappointment was that I have no idea how much food I'm going to get when I order something. Some places I've been to I've ended up with more than I can eat. Then there was this new place...

I saw people with plates full of good looking things and when mine comes it's on a glorified tea saucer. But it was good and I was comfortably full after soup and tea.

I just would like a picture menu is all.

PEB
9:22 a.m. - 2007-09-05

Post Eugene Blues. Happens for a few days after we are together. Having spent the last 3 weekends together and seeing our next visit likely a month or more away, it's especially poignant now.

We spent the weekend in Minneapolis at Convergence. We had a great time, partied a bit too much, saw a lot of people we knew from before and met a lot of great new people.

They gave away hats and Eugene got the only Packers one.

My new tall friend Hector

Roland with his nice German accent

We also managed to squeeze in a quick visit to the Mall of America and a drive past the ruins of the I-35W bridge and a short walk down Nicolet Mall.

Last night Andy came over. He is getting comfortable in his new job and new school and looking forward to moving into his new studio apartment in a couple weeks.

And tonight starts another chorus session. We will be doing Stabat mater by Dvorak at the Cathedral.

Then there's work and I feel like I've been dumped back into the same stressful position I was in when I left Thursday. Guess I shouldn't be surprised. I also have a problem pacing myself. I have the ability to work very hard and fast which burns me out. But if I pace myself, I feel guilty for not working harder. Plus I like to use my break time for things other than talking sports and family with co-workers. At least I'm busy and the work is challenging and interesting.

So I've got a few things to get me out of the doldrums and help me get motivated to do much needed home organization.

Values Based Entry
11:54 a.m. - 2007-08-30

I'm feeling stressed lately. Work is kinda out of control and it's hard to manage all the things that need to be done.

Plus every weekend has been action packed and usually travel packed. Including this weekend as I head up to Minneapolis.

I've already turned the 3 day weekend into a 4 and will probably make it 5 just to have a day to vegetate at home. I need to spend some quality time on my renewal, one of my personal values.

Last night I made the mistake of channel surfing and couldn't believe the number of channels where political pundits were trying to justify how a sentor who espouses "family values" aka anti-gay is not a hypocrit for pursuing sex in a men's restroom.

The lesson everyone's missing of course is that government should quit telling people the appropriate way to live their lives. Of course that's my version of values.

On the China front, it's no real surprise that China is blaming protectionism for it's product quality problems. They also tried to blame shitty working conditions on high competition for labor. Both of these are so illogical and even contemptible.

One group they blamed that is probably justly deserved are the mulitnationals who buy cheap stuff and turn a blind eye to how things come to be so cheap.

Of course as consumers we need to be less materialistic and cheap. But then those are my values.

Water
11:55 a.m. - 2007-08-29

Last weekend Eugene and I took a bus trip to Noah's Ark in Wisconsin Dells. Noah's Ark is billed as the world's largest waterpark and I believe them. At the water park we enjoyed a free buffet and some free beer in addition to the free admission. We rode a couple rides that were pretty wild. One was one of these giant funnels that you get dropped into and after swirling around several times you slide down the drain and out. One woman called it the toilet bowl.

In the background you can see a big gray tube on the right and a black & white tube left of center. These were the two rides we went on.

Long lines and a short timeframe limited what we could ride on and there were dozens of rides we didn't have time for. But it was free so we didn't mind. We also wanted to ride on the Ducks, these jeep-like amphibious vehicles.

The Ducks drive around these trails on shore and then plunge into the water to cruise around in the river and lake. During one plunge the water came over the back of the Duck. Now sitting in your seat, it didn't affect anyone. But the woman across the aisle from me slid off her seat and into the aisle and took the whole cascade of water down her butt crack. Tee hee.

As we got on the bus for the ride back to Eugene-ville, a woman seated up front said to Eugene (jokingly) "We saved a seat for you in the back of the bus." We both had to laugh and wonder if she realized what a racist thing she had said.

On Sunday, we just hung out at the park watching the real ducks as well as boaters heading out into the lake.

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