Badger's Den

Staggering thru my life
7:53 a.m. - 2002-01-19

I'm still alive, still breathing, still hating living in my parent's basement, still hurting, still needing to explore what I am, still hating what I have done to Nancy, still hoping somehow...

Steve, a good friend (str8) invited me to lunch Friday and it was nice. Friday night I went to the Gay Men's support group and there were about 15 guys there. Nancy thinks I'm trolling. I keep wondering about that. I really don't want a boyfriend right now. I need some alone time to figure myself out. I definitely don't need to jump into any kind of relationship, even a casual one, right now.

It's just good to get to know what the culture is.

We talked about religion, United Way, and how most gays want a much younger partner.

Of course when it comes to boyfriends, there is also the sex thing. But I think I can control that, I probably am better at controlling that than I was 3 months ago.

I don't know. I do know that I really need a relationship of some sorts before sex. I don't think I could be comfortable with someone who didn't really know and appreciate me.

So I am comfortable with abstinance for the future at least.

And I really miss Nancy. I don't think I could stand it if she really hated me. I enjoy our time together.

I wish I could figure out a way...

Today Andy and I are going to the town I was born in. It'll be good. Planning this was a bit of a fiasco. Andy suggested we go today and I didn't think about this being his last day at home before he moves back to college. Then when I tried to fix it, well, I just screwed it up worse. Guess that is my destiny right now.

So I keep mudling on wondering how many mornings in a row I'll wake up in tears.

previous - next