Badger's Den

Happy New Year - well, it better be
7:26 a.m. - 2002-01-01

Lots of crap floating thru my brain right now. Read at your own risk. Just keep in mind that while these feelings are transitory and will likely evaporate in a day or so, this is what I am thinking, good - bad - factual - perceived. And this diary is a place for my thots. If you wanna look inside the badger, read. If you want the filtered version, processed for correctness and saying things properly, fit for public consumption, don't read the diary. This is therapy and as such it is raw and not always thot out and hardly the final word on any subject. My opinions are pretty maleable, at least I like to think they are. Explain and I will try to understand.

First. overdue appreciation for what Tommy wrote in my guest book a few days ago. That was a very sweet thing to say.

So how has my year ended?

The world is chaos. The whole family knows, now. My Neanderthal bro-in-law probably took it best. Several times he told me, “This doesn’t change anything between us.”

They keep telling me the one's I think will be okay are not and the one I think will take it badly often don't. Go figure. Having his support...

That felt good.

It was the first time in 20 some years I had asked them to lunch.

I feel really crappy about doing it this way.

Their daughter, my niece, is rumored to be a lesbian – they didn’t mention it.

Nancy spent 5 hours on Sunday with her family. I haven't heard a lot of detail. One was that our niece on that side said when her folks got divorced, it made her uncomfortable to know they still slept together. We'll need to run this by Andy. That would be shitty because we still oove each other and like the intimacy of just being close together.

Monday, Nancy cancelled the credit line on our joint Visa.

That was wise.

Why did she not tell me she was going to do that?

I feel shitty.

Nancy’s folks thot maybe I should transfer to another city… like Chicago, or Geneva, Switzerland or Brussels, Belgium.

The thot that my absence from my son and wife’s lives would be preferable to some teasing and name calling they might suffer disgusts me.

I find I’m needing my family more than ever right now.

My mom is afraid someone will attack her.

Can’t you just be invisible?

What will people think?

Someone will see you out with another man and then harass Andy. He is not strong enough to take that kind of harassment, they say. We must protect him.

Why would anyone assume that me eating dinner with another man is a gay liaison? Besides this city is large enough that you so rarely run into anyone you know.

But then I think of my role as a father. Yes, part of my duty is to protect my son from danger, but not shelter him from reality. We have tried to do our best to make Andy a person who is loving and nurturing and accepting and tolerant and stands up for what is right.

I hope he chooses to be proud of his dad – to put small minded ppl in their place – not just for me, but for all the people in his life.

I am already feeling the shame of society – I just never figured it would come quite so soon or from so close by.

This hurts more than I could imagine.

We decided to go with two lawyers – I had hoped we could spare the expense.

But I’m sure Nancy is getting all kinds of advice from her folks – and they are money first kinda ppl – anything to save a buck. I really wish I was wrong about this, but so far...

I just trust Nancy without question. I know she would do everything she can to be fair to me in all of this.

I'm just not sure about anybody else's motives, including whatever my parents might suggest.

I just can't shake the idea that the cancelling the credit card was the in-laws idea. And I think it was a good one. I just thot it would be good to talk about it first.

So I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have somebody thinking only about me.

All I know is I HATE financial stuff. I am an artist and a philosopher. Watching the stock market is absolutely painful to me.

It seems like it would be so easy to give up on this quest, to say never mind, to go back in my closet and quietly close the door and sit in the dark and slowly die.

My stomach is in knots.

Of all years for there not to be a NYE party to go to, some diversion.

We went to see Lord of the Rings again – figured it would keep us awake.

Andy and his gf were there. Nancy was embarrassed because we were there encroaching on their movie.

We went to dinner with sis-in-law D, the divorced one.

That was nice. That was very nice.

We went home early.

Nancy fell asleep on the couch.

I managed to watch the ball fall in Times Square at 11:00. Then we went to bed.

I’m crying all the time the past few days.

I am sooo depressed.

Perhaps it is the reality of it all setting in. The enormity of the months ahead.

I cry.

But I still know this is the course I must take.

And Nancy’s presence comforts me.

I cry.

Last night I dreamed I went to a small church in the city, an accepting church… it was filled with gays and lesbians and sympathetic str8s, many of the gay men I counted as new friends. I felt so comforted there. It was a warm nurturing presence in my life.

Was this a comforting vision?

If so, I sure needed it.

Happy New Year.

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